It’s rather cold here this week. Yesterday the heat in the office would not get above 58 degrees.
We have a warehouse type office so those crazy ceilings don’t exactly “hold” heat!
I turned the heat up, went to a meeting, came back . . . hoping.
Nope. Still 58.
I hunkered down in my side office with a space heater, hoping the cold would perhaps increase my 44 year old metabolism.
Leslie joined me and we worked together . . . then switched places with Matt when he arrived . . . I “sacrificed” my desk so he could stay warm! (Real sacrifice, eh?)
It was a bit uncomfortable. I was cold.
I’m writing this blog thing.
There are reasons why I’m writing it . . .
Mainly – the people in charge of my “job” told me to. Between my coach and the promise I made to the Strategic Team/West Leadership that if we had staff I would focus on using and developing the areas where my gifts are strongest.
They asked that preaching and writing be my focus.
They seem to see gifts I do not see.
Writing like this is PAINFUL for me! It takes an inordinate amount of time and then I WORRY . . . what if it isn’t good? What if it is stupid and has no relevance?
I tried to convince them they wanted/needed my gifts of organization and administration . . . . but they said they would sacrifice that! (HA – I couldn’t organize my way out of a paper bag!)
Anyway – Writing and “laying it out there” . . . brings out every single one of my insecurities.
It’s public. What if it makes no sense?
What if it is wrong?
Like 99.9% of all pastors . . . I “like” to be liked . . although I know that is not necessarily the “way” of leadership.
I am uncomfortable. This intentional writing world is new for me.
And in a few moments I’m going to go for a “test” . . . starts w/ a “b.”
The routine test was the week of Layne’s accident. I would not necessarily say I was having a stellar week . . . so when the radiologist came in to debrief over my scans because they had been watching some “places” for a few years and she said she wanted to do the biopsy, I thought, “Of course you do! How could the conversation be ANYTHING DIFFERENT!?!?!!? It’s a HELL of a week!”
So . . . the week of the test, I got the flu. I could barely move from the chair much less propel all my body on top of some metal table with a hole in it so that my body parts are easily accessible. We postponed it.
Then it snowed. We moved it again.
It’s today. In an hour.
I’ve compartmentalized it for several weeks . . . but now it’s time . . . . to go feel a bit embarrassed . . . wishing my body were “fitter” . . . wishing I had not drank so much caffeine for years . . . wishing . . .
I am uncomfortable. This time being uncomfortable is born from some fear.
But I am reminded of a wise person’s words I read in some survey results West did in January.
Some pastors don’t do surveys because folks use it as an opportunity to take pot shots at leadership.
Luckily in my experience at West, that has never been the case.
Typically the feedback is honest, challenging, but constructive.
It gives me a lot to think about, pray about, and insight on how I can better lead.
One question was, “What causes you to be uncomfortable in worship?”
One reply was, “It’s often cold in the auditorium.” Ok – easy fix.
Another reply will always be ingrained in my mind and heart.
“Nothing. Because I think we are supposed to be uncomfortable as we follow Christ.”
Well . . . there ya go.
It isn’t a path of rose petals. Life is uncomfortable.
My being cold – that is a joke. I don’t KNOW cold. I have a home, blankets, etc.
Truly – I’ve never experience the cold that others live in each day.
My cold – that is nothing . . .
My insecurities – that’s my own baggage and as I grow in my journey, in order to live into being who I am created in the image of God, I’ve got to deal with those thru the power of the Spirit working in me.
I need to get over wanting to be liked.
I need to be uncomfortable.
And the other – the lying on the table w/ the giant, monstrous needle coming at me . . . don’t I preach about a peace that surpasses all of our understanding?
If I would think about that for awhile, I bet I will find some comfort. My phone buzzing w/ texts and prayers this morning as I have typed this . . . I am reminded of a Spirit that works in and thru all things . . .
We don’t have to be uncomfortable. As there is an offering of peace.